I'm not really sure where to begin..

okay, so I've been with the same guy for about 3 years now. In this period of time I went from living in my hometown in Texas, to moving to another city (in a distant state), and then moving back to my hometown in Texas to live with this guy I thought had as much love for me as I did for him.

When I lived in that other state, I visited him for Spring Break and that is when I noticed changes. I would sometimes get warts down there, but I would always pass them off as pimples or razor burn.

While visiting him during the summer, we just started having sex without a condom. I'm not stupid, I just thought 'he's with me, and I'm with him.' and I never would've guessed I would ever catch an STD. Well, during the summer things became more complicated. We both started to get those warts, but we also became a lot closer.

After about 2 weeks of being back he told me 'you either move back to Texas and live with me, or I'm breaking up with you.'

I didn't want to break up with him because I really loved him.. :/ so I decided to live with him. I dropped out of school, gave up my easy life with my mom, I dropped everything for him.

While living with him we would fight a lot. It was never physical but it just wasn't the same relationship anymore. The love faded, and the only time I seemed to get attention was when we were having sex. I lost myself living there. I was unable to find a job, and was unable to get my GED.

After months of me being there he and I decided it was time for me to get on birth control. I talked to my sister about it, and made an appointment at a free clinic. It was the first time I had ever had a pap smear, or any sort of physical. I also got an HIV test.

They gave me some birth control, told me that if anything abnormal came up they would call, and I was on my way.

I thought nothing of it for a while. Occasionally I would wonder 'what if I DO have something?' but the thought came and went quickly. until about 3 weeks later.

I was called and told I needed to come in, I tried asking why but they just told me they couldn't say over the phone. When I got there I was nervous but hoping for the best. They called my sister and I into an office and explained to me I had HPV. I was in utter shock and denial when the words had come out of the doctors mouth. me, with HPV? they have to be wrong, this can't be happening. I knew nothing of the virus and what it could cause, and after she was done explaining it to me I felt like a brick building had fallen and I was its only victim. I did nothing but stare at the floor and try to hold back my tears. I just couldn't believe I had an STD. ME. When I got home (at the time I was still living with my boyfriend) the first thing I did was walk into the room, drop on the bed, and start to cry. He was half asleep, and when I explained to him what happened he didn't seem to care. He held me for a little bit and then asked 'so are you horny?' and no I'm not lying. I wanted to slap him. not just for what he said, but for every choice he had influenced me to make in my life. How could he? and how could I allow myself to be treated this way?

After being told I had HPV the doctor told me to come back in 6 months to check on it. She told me there have been cases where women had gone in, were told they had it, never went back until years later, and then were diagnosed with cancer. I didn't want that to be me, but I also didn't want to wait for 6 months to pass to declare my fate.

My mom told my sister to take me to her doctor, even though they're pricey (I don't have insurance) my mom wanted the best for me and she wanted it now. So I had an appointment there. They told me the same thing, that I had HPV. I was made an appointment to go and have some cells taken from my Cervix in about a month and a half from then.

During all of this it became a constant struggle living with my boyfriend. We fought about EVERYTHING, and when I told him we had to start having sex with a condom he was far from happy. He would always tell me 'you know it would feel soo much better without one,' and 'if we have to use a condom then I don't want sex.' I always felt guilty, like it was all my fault that everything was going wrong. but I would always tell him 'I'd rather go without a few seconds of pleasure if it can spare me from years of pain.' or worse, death.

When my appointment came I was 100% nervous, I asked my doctor if it would hurt and she told me no one has ever said it was a breeze.. It hurt. I cried almost throughout the whole procedure. I wasn't just crying because of the pain, I was crying because of the fact that I was put in this situation because of someone else. I have always been strong willed and have always thought and stuck by my words when I would say 'I will never die because of someone else.' It may sound cheesy but I was very passionate when it came to that. After the procedure was over, she left the room to let me 'get myself together' and to get dressed. I cried more when she left the room. I just couldn't help it. I felt weak, humiliated, inadequate.

My doctor called me back about 4-5 weeks later telling me to come by her office. When I went I was told I had come in contact with High Risk HPV strands, but at the moment it was low risk displaysia. I had two options. 1.) remove part of my Cervix or 2.) freeze it. My doctor wanted me to do the freezing because she didn't want to risk me not being able to have a child in the future. (Kids aren't for me but you never know.)

So when I went back to do the next procedure, I was half nervous. I felt more like 'lets just get this over with.' She told me it wouldn't be as bad as the last thing I had done. It wasn't, but don't let that fool you. Everyone is different. Before getting on BC I would have horrible cramping during my period so I was used to the feeling. I just gritted my teeth and waited until it was over.

When it was finally over I felt like I could conquer the world. I felt like any pain was inadequate to the pain I had been put through these last few months.

Of course, its not a great way to gain your inner confidence, but it helped me.

Since then (that was about maybe 6 months ago) I moved out of my boyfriends house. I now live with my sister in an apartment. I have a check up appointment on the 22nd. I would like to say I have been faithful to using a condom every time, but therehas been a couple slip ups. just a couple. and I feel guilty as hell because of it.

I'm still with the same guy. Every day I tear my mind up with what I should do. Should I leave him? Or is it not his fault? I just don't know.

Also, I got the warts tested. It came back negative.

I didn't mention it but my dad has refused to pay for any procedures when it comes to my HPV. My mom and I have tried explaining to him that it is very common, and that its not like I knew he had it. It's impossible to test guys. but it doesn't matter to him, he would rather be ignorant than care for his child I guess.

I also read up on condom use when it comes to HPV. It said that condoms don't really help at all when it comes to protecting yourself against it. So that has just been another thing for me to hash over in my brain all the time.

I think that is it. Thank You for letting me have the chance to tell my story. oh and sorry for any incorrect spelling! :)

- a girl in Texas